Remember last year a friend and fellow blogger, Jess, and I wrote a short series of posts about the realities of living with young children and being mostly at home with them full time (even if we do work or study as well in there somewhere)? Well, we’re bringing it back. Perhaps it’s a sign that we’re both finding the children a touch trying and the realities are biting particularly harshly just at the moment.
This first post of the second series of Reality Bites is all about the whingeing. I think five year olds might bring a new highs to the world of competitive whingeing. It’s something about the pitch of their voices, the particularly drawn out vowels (Muuuuuuuuuuuuum!) and the sheer consistency of it. For Miss Five it begins at about 6.30am and continues until 7.30pm, with a break for the hours she attends kinder. Apparently she NEVER whinges, whines, complains or acts out in any way. What’s with that?! Couldn’t she get a least a small part of her whingeing quota out on someone else?
Now one clear trigger for this excess whingeing for Miss Five is tiredness. She’s the kind of kid that just needs her sleep and if she doesn’t get it the end of the day can be complete torture for all of us. Add to that it’s the end of the year and all kids are more tired than usual (aren’t they) and in need of the rest and lack of scheduling the holidays will provide. I look forward to those slow mornings and our beach holiday in the hope that the whining too might subside at least a little. Of course I also dread the holidays just a bit because there will be no kinder to break things up and provide some solace for her and the rest of us.
Our strategy to deal with the whingeing has been one straight out of the Parenting for Dummies handbook, bribery! If she doesn’t whinge all day she gets a jelly bean. It helps a little as a gentle reminder that the voice is edging towards that terrifying pitch and the vowels are becoming dangerously elongated. It’s generally enough to pull her back into line for a while at least, but I must say that packet of jelly beans has lasted a LONG time. Of course bribery for good behave is a clear no-no for many parenting experts…. it’s a good thing I claim no expertise in this endeavour so I can get away with it. However I have done a little research on the whole why kids whine thing and here are a few things I came up with.
1. Kids whine to get attention, any kind of attention. Solution: make sure they are getting some time with you doing something of their choosing everyday (the website said 2×10 mins with each parent per child per day, but I think you do what you can when you can). But most importantly DON’T give them any attention (good or bad) when they whine and definitely don’t give them the thing they are whining about. That seems like good advice, just walk into another room and ignore it. Of course you need to set this up by saying that they are old enough to know how to ask nicely for something and be okay if they’re told no.
2. Some suggest that whining is a signal for something else altogether, for a sense of being disconnected or loneliness. In this case actually giving close attention and physical contact might be necessary. This seemed more likely perhaps for younger children. You can read more here.
3. Don’t you just love when expert advice directly contradicts each other! However, I did find this website, which I liked a lot. It identifies a whole series of reasons why kids whinge and how we can deal with them.
4. Whingeing can go on for years, many years. Some kids whinge and whine well into their teen years.. That is not a thought that gives me any comfort.
But it all honesty, I never find parenting advice as terrific as it sounds. Real life is complicated and being consistent with whatever plan you have in place becomes difficult. And then of course kids change constantly so what was working all goes out the window from one month to the next. I just try to do what we feel is right for our kids at that time.
Have you got whingers at home? How do you cope with it? Tell me you whingeing stories.
The New Good Life 
Ah, indeed! I think Zoe’s whinging is about attention for sure. So, I do try to ramp up the one-on-one activity time (when I think of it) and it works a bit. Some days tho, it’s all bit much. I also found an article that says that Muuuuuuum sound is the most annoying sound ever. The internet says so! http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/this-is-officially-the-worst-sound-in-the-world/
I agree with that, Muuuuuuuuum ringing out around the house sends me to hide out in my bedroom.
Mr 3 is probably my bigger whinger at the mo than j5 but only when he is tired or hungry so distraction with him (or food) is usually my solution. Actually, something that works for both of them every time (when we’re all losing it) is to ask them to sit down quietly while I make us all a cuppa. We just all take a bit of time out. I put a show on tv for them and bring them a cuppa (a tsp of honey with hot water and milk) and this slows them down and relaxes them but makes them feel loved and waited on, while I get to have a quiet cuppa and de stress myself.
Because j5 is older though and can understand things easier, if he starts whinging I just put my hand up (like: talk to the hand) and say “sorry, I can’t understand you when you talk like that. Talk properly or not at all.” This usually works straight away (often now just the hand signal is enough) but if he keeps it up I deliberately ignore him, start a conversation with Riley or simply walk away. If he persists I walk to the fridge where I have a “ticks and crosses” chart. Very basic – they get a tick for good behaviour, cross for bad. There is always an end game depending on what they want eg: current one is for month of December – at the end I will mail it to Santa and he can decide if there are enough ticks for presents. I use it for attending birthday parties, Easter, fun outings etc… He can earn extra ticks by doing things like making his bed, setting the table, eating all of his dinner, picking up his dirty clothes, putting the rubbish out etc… Next year I’ll probably work it more towards pocket money as he has just opened his own bank account and is very excited about the idea of saving money.
I think hunger has a lot to do with the whining around here too. Thankfully Miss Three isn’t a whiner yet, but she does have her own annoying especially clingy moments and can get super grumpy.
I like the tea idea, very clever. And I too do the hand trick and try to ignore. I find my kids work much better with immediate goals rather than long term ones so I reward no-whingeing days with a jelly bean, icy pole, movie, dessert, trip to the park etc.
My 10yo stepdaughter has a tendency towards whining (though thankfully not all day long). When she gets that way I just remind her that she’s not speaking nicely, and would she like to try again. Mostly she whines at her brother coz she’s frustrated, so we’ve had a few talks about the fact that she can ask him to stop what he’s doing with a nice tone rather than a whiney one (and that it’s ok to ask him to stop and to be annoyed, but that doesn’t mean our voices need to be unpleasant).
I can’t bare the thought of this going on for another 5 years or longer! I like you’re approach I will have to keep that in mind.